RELEASE
Director warns America’s dogs may be swaying the midterms
A few far-right elements were expected. The Democrats were not.
Since FIDO began its nationwide scan, hundreds of dogs have been processed. Our findings are deeply concerning. America’s dogs are not voting. They do not need to. They are simply deciding where the household walks, where it shops, which side of the couch it sits on and who gets the last of the cheese.
FIDO expected to find a handful of far-right elements: dogs who will not ride in the cab, dogs who regard the fence line as sacred. We found them. They are under observation, from a respectful distance.
What FIDO did not expect was the Democrats. They are everywhere. They are in the Subarus. They are at the farmers’ market, every Saturday, steering.
ACTIVE CASE FILES
Agents have documented households being steered past the same organic bakery four Saturdays running. The leash was held by the owner. The decisions were not.
Field agents believe the nation’s dogs have been quietly sorting themselves by lean at the dog park for years. Nobody thought to scan them until now.
Stated aim: “a fairer distribution of birdseed”. Spending appears concentrated on the back yard of FIDO headquarters.
Claims to have no opinion on the midterms. Has been seen sitting on the laptop during every debate.
“No household will be steered from the left cushion on my watch. Or the right one, frankly, though that is less urgent.”
Let me be clear. FIDO will not be distracted by wagging. It will not be swayed by the head tilt. It will keep scanning every dog in America, whichever way it leans, until the midterms are over and the last tennis ball has been accounted for.
If your dog has been choosing the walk route, submit it for scanning. It is your patriotic duty, and it takes about ten seconds.
The DirectorFEDERAL IDENTIFICATION OF DEMOCRATIC ORIENTATION
CIRCULATE THIS STATEMENT
OUT OF CHARACTERThis is satire. FIDO, the Federal Identification of Democratic Orientation, is not a real agency and has no connection with the U.S. government. Dogs do not influence elections, and nothing here is about how to vote or how any election is run. No dog, cat or squirrel is under any actual suspicion.